Observations On My Original Nationality

Marilyn gave me a button which says, YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL A GERMAN, BUT YOU CANNOT TELL HIM MUCH. So it goes. This starts in Israel of all places. We’re in a camp ground and it’s Yom Kippur, so the place is mobbed. In pulls a German tourist- camper bus filled with the elderly. Marilyn calls them Traveling Coffins because the sleeping compartments are about seven feet deep, two feet wide and two feet high. You slide in. They reminded us of some ovens we’d seen a few years before. Anyway, the driver, in polished knee boots, black uniform and military styled cap gets out and walks over to a rather complex camp, housing an entire family. He doffs his hat, bows and asks the young men if they would move their sight so he could hook up to the power and water outlets. The two guys peer at each other , then the oldest one pointed to a camp dog sitting at attention about ten feet away. ‘ See that dog?’ he asks in English. The chauffeur nods. ‘ well if you go over there and ask that dog if you can.. . .(use your imagination), we’ll let you run a cord though our sight.’ The German did a slight bow, replaced his cap, muttered a thank you and the bus pulled off. The dog did not follow.

Now, we’re in a campground outside of Munich. I want to take a shower. It’s 7:22 AM by my watch, so I head off to the shower block. It’s locked, but the attendant is coming up the slight slope. He gets to the door, pauses, raises his arm and looks at his watch. I bend over and look too. His watch is about ten minutes slow. I show him mine. He grunts and continues staring at his. When it reaches exactly 7:30 it’s like a World War I movie and we’re going Over The Top to in a precisely timed attack. I look at him, and scowl as he looks at me and runts out in English, ‘ De rhules are de rhules!’before he unlocks the door and marches off. So it goes.

Then there’s the day I go to the shower and find a minute for hot water is one mark. I’ve got exactly one, DM that is. Plenty of paper money but eine Mark! I manage to soap up and rinse in one minute. And I’m so proud that I step out to towel off with my essentials in hand. ‘ How did you like that! We did it!” I proclaim to it. At moment I realize I’m being watched by two ladies and I’m in the women’s section. The one looks at the other and says,’ It’s pretty, but it’s not pretty enough to have a talk to. Right?’ They showed not the least embarrassment.

I’m having lunch at a picnic table at a cross road in Southern Germany. The north-south road has a stop sign. The other has the right of way. A car pulls coming south, slows, sees another car on the other road about fifty yards away and starts through. The other car speeds up and hits the rear of the other one, causing a lot of physical damage but no one is hurt. The driver of one car leaps out, climbs on his ruptured hood, crosses his arms and proclaims, ‘ Ich bin im richtig!!! Which means, “I am in the right.” The other driver nods his head and gets out his insurance papers. So it goes.

Lastly, we are in Trier. It’s Sunday and I’m wearing woolen lederhosen (Knickers, or Plus Fours) Every where we walk people stare at us and make nasty grunts. Or, they take their children’s hands and make a proclamation. It goes on even when we are in the art gallery, and the old Roman Gate. Finally I decide to ask one couple what the hell is going on, and the lady smiles politely and tells me, ‘ You are improperly dressed, sir. Your pants are meant for hiking in the mountains. When we reflect, we realize the Germans have a uniform for every occasion. And if you’re out of it, well, so it goes.

When Hitler proclaimed he was going to reunite Germany, he was asked how he would accomplish such a complicated task. His reply was: ‘ It is not complicated. To reunite Germany I need only three men. One to carry the flag, one to beat the drum, and one to count, one! two! three! four!' So it went.