Make-Up in Kruger National Park, S.A.

This was our first trip in to this monster which is almost the size of Connecticut. You drive a lot, but it’s mostly paved roads. There are well spaced camping spots, air conditioned huts, hotels up to three stars and plenty to do. But to see it, you’ve got to drive! You have to be in a safe area by sun down, and can’t leave till dawn. If you get caught outside it’s a $500.00 fine. If they have to come looking, double it. We camped in the north which is wild and wooly; drew huts later on because they were always beside rivers for the rhinos, crocs and hippos. A view from the balcony, drink in hand and no TV!!!

Everyone is after the Big Five: Elephant, Cape Buffalo, Leopard, Lion and Hippos. Side light. Once we took a cruise and pulled up ten feet away from a pod of sleeping Hips that had to have been a hundred or so. Anyway, it’s the lions! God, where are the lions? Well, one morning we puled out of a camp, hit the main road and right there was a momma and two babies sound asleep on the nice warm asphalt. We pulled up ten feet away, turned off the motor and began making Kodak rich.She raised up, gave a huge yawn, big TEETH, and growled at the babies. They stepped off the road into two foot high rag wheat and disappeared! Even when I put glasses on them, they had vanished. Then I got a shot at two black spots just above the rags and damn if they weren’t ten feet away and invisible until you really knew where to look. We had them to ourselves for twenty-three minutes. Then the hordes came. Another reason to hate cell phones. She got up roared at the intruders and sauntered off like a lady caught blowing her nose sans handkerchief.

The greatest sighting is lions mating. They go at it for up to 72 hours about every half hour. Yeah, yeah, check goggle. He’s a frazzled dude when it’s over and she’ walks off like she won the beauty crown . . .again. We found a pair in another park. They were sleeping in a culvert and came out about five feet below us to the side of the road. More riches for Kodak! She was a real demanding lady. The one here in Kruger was a Southern Gentle lady. She only bit him once to get him to perform his obligations. We were quickly joined by hordes of cars. One or two got out to get better pictures. Honest. Everyone screamed at them, so they got red faced and climbed back into their cars.

When we got back, we told a South African couple where to go and they were out for a couple of hours. When they got back the husband hauled me off, cracked two beers and burst out laughing. Here it comes. ‘ we made a wrong turn. Wandering around on a dirt road and then I see eight or nine lionesses with five kiddies. I creep up and pull right in between six full grown female elephants on the other side of the road. The lions are roaring and the ellies bellowing and it looks like World War III is about to begin with me in the middle between combatants. As the volume grows I turn and Faye is screaming for me to get out and save our butts while she is frantically applying a total batch of fresh lip stick, eye shadow, rouge, and the stuff around the eyes. I gotta yell, ‘What the hell are you doing that for!’ as I gun the old Toyota out of there. She’s furious, tears running down into the new gook, but she waits till I stop. ‘Ian! You almost killed us!’ She sobs. And before I can ask, she adds, ‘And I had to get me make up on. I didn’t want to die ugly? I didn’t want to die ugly. Ian!!! Do you want me to die ugly?’

We drank four beers each. I only laughed once. Marilyn got the same story. So once we were up on the top of our truck, tucked in listening to the hippos bellowing along the river, she gave me a sweet kiss and promised me she would never drive us into something like that if she had even the slightest inkling. ‘ But if I do, Bar, I promise I won’t be interested in make up. Love that woman!